Childhood

       I miss my childhood, the one I sadly never had.  As early as the age of ten, each day after school, I was responsible for cooking, cleaning and caring of my four younger siblings,  while my mom worked.  It didn't feel like a "childhood left behind" since it was the only life I knew then.  My frail young mother, who was married at the age of sixteen to a man twenty years older, worked twelve hour days, six days a week.  Each night I watched as she slowly dragged herself from the kitchen sink to our bedrooms. Clearly she was tired and her eye revealed what she dared not say.   Nonetheless,  she would tenderly tuck my brothers and sisters to bed and then quietly she would come to me.  I would watch her slowly lower herself onto my bed, the soft waves of her hair cascading down her shoulders; then she would lean close  whispering, "Someday, you will marry a prince, and he will give you all the desires of your heart."  With that she would hold my hand to her chest and say, "I love you more than you know." I cherished those nightly visits more than any riches I could ever possess.  I too loved her more than words could express.

      I seldom saw my father and when I did, I was terribly afraid of him.  He towered over me with his 6'4" frame and his breath always reeked of alcohol mixed in with smoke. I don't recall ever seeing any tenderness in his eyes and, on those rare occasions when he would sit next to me with his arm around my shoulder, I could sense he was uncomfortable. He would fidget continuously until at last he would jerk his arm off of me and leave the room without a word.  It was difficult to love him.   Sometimes he would stay into the wee hours of the night.  On those nights I would fall asleep to the sounds of my mom's sobs behind the closed doors of her bedroom. On those nights I would convinced myself that if I tried harder, I could take away her sadness as well as mine.    So, I did my best to carry the load that did not belong to a child and in doing so, I lost my childhood.  

     Today however, I've realize that some things don't stay lost forever.  As an adult, I have come to enjoy the pleasures of the childhood I missed.  With my children and grandchildren, I've learned to appreciate the complexities of riding a bike,  the immense pride in learning to swim, and the shear joy of jumping rope.  I've played with dolls, and tea sets, flown kites, and many other things. And yes, I'm married to a prince.   I do not regret the life I've lived as a child.  The lessons I learned, from the events of that time, have shaped the person I am today.  I have learned to survive in this difficult world and to love without barriers or conditions.  And  though the years have aged me,  I will always embrace, and give life to, the child that will always live within me.